Friday, August 7, 2009

How Do You Love Controllers?

"Oh, no, Lord, even You don't expect me to love someone who tries to control people around them constantly. Oh, no....I can't. Ummm, You don't have a backup plan, eh? Well, Lord, I need some serious help as soon as possible," was my prayer conversation in my mind many years ago. Today I find myself counselling many who struggle with this issue.

The way the Lord helped me was to realize in myself that I can try to control my environment and people's dealings with me when I am fearful and/or shamed. The experts in behavior science agree with this truth. That one little nugget helped me love the most dogmatic or manipulative passive/aggressive controllers.

Where I can't find anything to love in a controller or manipulator; I have no strain feeling empathy for someone afraid or ashamed. I choose to look beyond the offensive front of a controller to see into their pain of fear or shame. Recently I spent time with a young woman who is having difficulty working with a passive aggressive complaining controlling older woman. The controller has come through abuse emotionally and physcially from an abusive spouse.

I'm convinced the emotional and physical abused women have scars that can have lasting fear of someone else hurting them. This painful unfair treatment is doubling damaging because it comes from the man they loved and chose for a lifetime partner. "When you look past her actions...when you listen past her words and attitudes....perhaps you can feel her pain, " I shared with this young woman.

As we left one another we came up with a plan that will give the controller many ways to "control" unimportant decisions while this young woman prays for their relationship. Hopefully God will bless them with trust and the controlling manner won't be needed for the hurting woman to work with this younger woman.

Do you have ways that help you work with the "controllers" in your life? When do you find yourself trying to control others around you?


Nicole said...

Great subject! I would love some feedback and suggestions...

ThreeGirlyGirls said...

I don't like fact, they make me crazy!! :)

© 2008 Kay Martin

Thrive In Christ

Who I Am In Christ by Neil Anderson

For several months we will center on this book to pursue Thriving in our Christian journey.

Neil challenges us with: "Do you know who you are in God's eyes? We are no longer products of our past. We are primarily products of Christ's work on the cross. Who we are determines what we do.

You are not who you are in Christ because of the things you have done, you are in Christ because of what He has done. He died and rose again so that you and I could live in the FREEDOM of His love."

That's just the introduction. More to follow.