Looking Back on 2008

Looking back: 2008

There’s a reason why the rear view mirror is only a very small portion of the size of my windshield. The rear view mirror is best used for a quick glance to see what's happening behind me. Looking back at 2008 should also only be a quick look back in the past. My rear view mirror does little to help me navigate the road before me. Every second my eyes are off the road ahead, is another chance I can get offtrack. The past is past. It’s behind me, I need to let it stay there.

The sacrifice of the Lord Jesus Christ has made that possible for me, in spite of all that has happened in 2008 to me and mine. God is opening some new doors of opportunity for me. I need to focus my attention and my energies on the road ahead. No matter how much I am tempted, I refuse to try to drive down the highway of destiny, with my eyes in the rear view mirror. I'm keeping my eyes fixed, fastened and specifically on Jesus Christ. I cannot count on men, friends or anyone else like I can count on Jesus. He will never leave or forsake me and He never gives up on me.

Starting in the fall of 2007 my husband of 40+ years was diagnosed with viral pneumonia that just wouldn't seem to respond fully to medications. Early Good Friday morning of 2008, he had trouble keeping his balance. He was with friends at a horse show several hours away and they drove at breakneck speed to get home to check into the hospital. In a moment our world crashed. He had lung cancer that had spread to his brain. Neither he nor I ever smoked and this seemed impossible to us. It turned out that the pneumonia hid the underlying lung cancer all those months.

As I walked into the hospital the thoughts that filled my mind were that God would be merciful in all that was to come. That seemed puzzling to me, but I held onto it throughout the hard 30 days left of John's life. Spiritually John and I had not been in step for about 20 years. When hard times hit us I ran to the feet of Jesus and my relationship with the Lord became the focus of my life. John did not understand what had happened to me. He was a church going, baptized good fellow. He never tried to discourage or stop anything I felt God was calling me to do, but he didn't have the same zeal for the Lord that I did. But in a moment of that diagnosis he wanted to know all he could about the Lord. We had hope of 5+ years because John had been in such vigorous health throughout his life. Those 30 days; the good ones and the bad ones, had John calling on me to read to him from the Bible. He would comment on God's graciousness and he longingly looked at me often, "I'm sorry, Kay, I'm afraid it took this for me to be willing to give all to the Lord." I told him that might be, but the main point of living is "see" and "hear" Him.

Unfortunately one of the experimental drugs had an extreme reaction and it took John quickly. I recall thinking back on that word: Mercy. I prayed to God on how I could see this disease and death as merciful. In the days of living on the oncology floor I came to know the patients and their families. My husband was a handsome man that was always very careful in his appearance. He worked out nearly every day. I realized the long-term fight for life as a recovering cancer patient would be extremely difficult for him. Being a physician also has its issues when he became the patient. Many of the hospital employees were his patients and I would see the extreme sadness as they saw him so critically ill. Yes....it was the profound mercy of God that his was a short illness. Now, he is perfectly at peace and I so look forward to seeing him one day.

Now, I have the responsibility to live. I write a blog titled "Thrive Christians" because as I reinvent myself as a single widow I feel an intense responsibility not to waste a single moment of precious life. I saw all those wonderful patients on that floor valiantly fighting to live. When sorrow or disappointment pulls on me; I make the conscious decision to live with the best in me for all of those patients and my husband who fought with all they had.

Looking in a rear view mirror has some merit if it is only for a glance, but in driving it is hazardous to drive with your focus being on what is in the rear view mirror. The windshield is vastly bigger than the small rear view mirror because best driving comes by looking ahead. I sense that thriving as a Christian also needs the saint to be keenly aware of the present and what's ahead.

I come to the end of 2008 and say that this year has shown me the mercy, goodness and grace of God Himself. This past week I looked back for too long and had many regrets that brought me to tears. We talk much of God's grace, mercy and love, but I honestly believe we talk more than we believe. My prayer for all of us believers is that we will pray daily for God to help our unbelief. I'm looking forward with joyful expectation of what God has in store for me and all His children in 2009.

This post has been written as part of a group writing project of the great folks at Red Letter Believers: http://redletterbelievers.blogspot.com/ . Check out the contribution of other writers. 2008 has been a year many of us will never forget. I imagine the essays will be quite profound.

Happy New Year to all and to me that means a year focused on Jesus Christ above all else.