From Powerless to Powerful in Christ

If you feel power-less in some relationships I am believing you can come to being

powerful in Christ. I'm learning absolute surrender to Lord Jesus Christ opens up life with open hands and heart with others.

Before I surrendered all I tried to protect myself and I lived much of my

life with clenched fists. No...not to knock out folks; to guard myself, feeling overwhelmed and anxious. Seems I had a hard time saying no to requests and I would end up overwhelmed in activities for family, church, school,

community and work. I was tired and frustrated. Learning about boundaries and praying for God's best in my life was my breakthrough. My prayer today is that I can share what is working in my life. Hopefully, God will show you His

perfect way to untangle any areas of control and passivity in your life that block you from His thriving abundant life.

Yesterday I used my pastor's analogy of how a river can be a

powerful body of water if its banks are strong and keep the water contained to flow instead of seeping into the surrounding ground and make a swamp. The Bible tells me a river of living water will flow out of my belly. With eternal destiny in mind, I will use this river word picture throughout this series.

I'm discovering that boundaries:

• define who I am
• say what I want
• mark out what I don't want
• state my goals and purpose for life and safeguard them
• say where I end and another person starts

My "river" has its banks. Other people can do whatever they want to in their "river" but they can't control the activity in my "river." These river banks are set and no one may redefine these parameters except me and the Lord.

Jesus Christ lived in His "river" beautifully and powerfully:

- He left the crowds that clamored for His attention to care for Himself.

- He did not allow His person or agenda to be changed or be redirected by anyone.

- He stayed Himself regardless of what anyone else wanted.

- He could not be tempted or swayed away from His purpose.

He is my example of staying true to oneself.

I study His last hours often. He chose when He would even speak to all His interrogators when He was on trial; and when He would remain silent. That is ultimate refusal to be controlled on anyone else's agenda. In that intense crisis, He maintained His "river." He never gave up His control.

I had lived in reaction to others so completely I had a difficult time figuring out how to openly set my boundaries. I sneaked whatever control I had over my life through procrastination and other passive/aggressive means. Upfront planned conscious stating of boundaries was foreign to me. I am a Southern woman........we pride ourselves in never breaking a sweat or wrinkling our clothes with anything but perfect grace. Ha! I do have a bit of that in me; and it was a stumbling block to getting free in Christ.

I recall one time many decades ago. My husband and I hit one of those tough times in marriage and an older woman was counselling me asked me, "What do you want, Kay?" I was speechless. I had a thousand ought's, should's, Bible verses, etc., but I was clueless on what I, Kay, wanted as a woman (not necessarily the wife, mother, church leader). The beginning of setting boundaries involved me searching my heart in prayer with Christ to discover;

• What I want
• What I don't want
• What I like
• How I can best use my time, how I won't use my time.

I imagine Jesus Christ living out my life and I imagine what boundaries would He insist on in this life. Once I had written all of this I had a "river" to start building the banks to hold it in place and prevent erosion that makes a river a swamp. It has changed in these years. Now, I am a widow and a writer. My boundaries of 20 years ago would not hold in this river to be powerful.

Now that I know what I want and don't want in my life (my borders) then it is easier to say "yes" to what fits and "no" to what does not so that I can pursue the Lord's plan for my life.

Boundary establishment probably brought the most change and the greatest pain of anything God has called for in my transformation as a Christian. The freedom and the peace of mind is more than worth it's cost, but I would be amiss if I didn't write that the pain was intense. Once my boundaries were in place I stopped letting others step on my toes. I was no longer pushed into doing anything that was not best for me in God's plan for my life. On top of all that; I did it (in time) guiltless! Oh hallelujah to the rid of guilt!!!

Discovery # 1: Folks didn't like not being able to tell me what to do and how to do regularly. No matter how politely I declined church volunteering opportunities that I had before done to make leaders happy; I had folks on the outs with me.

Discovery # 2: Controlling people revved up their tactics to try to push through my personal parameters. This was especially true of my mom.

Discovery # 3: I had to keep my guard up and keep my calling clear in my mind or I would hand over my controls and find myself pressured and manipulated into something I shouldn't be doing.

Obviously I'm not "done" yet. A friend at church asked me to alter some clothes for her. She assured me there was no time pressure. But she emailed yesterday that she now realizes she needs them for this weekend. Bam! I was up until very late wrestling with an aggravating sewing machine and finally I sewed the last stitch. I mean the last stitch. New rocks in my river boundary...no more sewing favors unless Holy God directs me to do it. I have a adult child in a tough place needing my undivided attention for a few days. Now, I'm tired and what would have been peaceful ministry will be ministry with fatigue. Perfect example of letting down the guard.

Good things can get in the way of best things.

Boundary establishment was my beginning of understanding how I never give my life controls to anyone but God. Developing my boundaries has given me understanding of other's boundaries. I'm convinced you can't overcome being controlled until you face where you are also controlling of others. Tomorrow I will jump into the ways I found I feared situations and I was the controller. Hold on, before this series is finished I may show you ways you subconsciously control others. In Christ you and I can truly handle all that comes to us in life. Fear has no way to drive us to surrendering our life controls or trying to control others.

Boundaries, control, and transparent honest living have to do with my faith in God, His Word and His promises to me. Lack of faith opens up the dangers of life lived out of fear. Shame and fear are the main backbones of all control coping. Shoot down shame and fear; control has no purpose.

Until tomorrow.........Live in peace!!!

Honest Moment

The promised series on controllers will begin this week. I'm stalled in posting because I am struggling with writing this from my heart. Blogging has again surprised me with opening up parts of me that I didn't know existed until I began to respond to your comments.

Some of you have written to me offline with requests for more information on getting free from being a controller or being controlled by someone

else. This dialogue has touched my heart and my mind.

I sense I need to lay down some Biblical principles that lead me daily before we open up this serious discussion on living honestly in relationship without resorting to manipulation or deception.

My first giant step in this truth was in understanding Jesus words in John 5, "

Then answered Jesus and said unto them, Verily, verily, I say unto you, The Son can do nothing of himself, but what he seeth the Father do: for what things soever he doeth, these also doeth the Son likewise."

For years I pondered how divine Jesus would need to look to Father God for all His actions. But now I see in part that Jesus came fully God, fully human, to model life for us. As He lived He and Father God were one and did all things from Heaven's perspective and in Heavenly power with Holy Spirit working in and with them.

Why was this so key in my understanding of free living without manipulation? I don't look to my own resources in living now that I am in Christ. I live every minute looking to Jesus who is looking to Father God; on what needs to be done this moment. When I am clear on this focus I am not prey to giving into people pleasing; acting like savior wonder woman Kay; needing to prove my greatness; competitiveness of wanting to be best; fear of what others might do to me....on and on and on.

I am moved by Heaven's unction!!! My trust is in God. Only in understanding this one verse was I free to dare to live with openness, and manage living with all people; even those who operate out of fear, shame and bullying.

Recently our pastor has been preaching on strong healthy relationships. He has spent much time on teaching us how to establish boundaries in our living. He said, "A river is a healthy flowing

life giving body of water because it has banks that keep it contained. If the banks erode as in Hurricane Katrina; a river becomes a stagnate swamp without life giving strength."

Tomorrow I will post the first portion of the trap of trying to control and manipulate others in our lives. I'm pouring my heart out and I am being blessed by your response. Here on Thrive Christian Blog your input is key to God moving us to truth to His Thriving Life in Jesus Christ. Please speak up on this touchy subject....I need to learn from you.

Whose Holding Your Life Switches?

"You're making me miserable. I won't allow you to take control of this club. You can't control me," snarled a leader of a writing group to me.

"Take control? I have no desire to control this club, you or anyone else. But I will not be controlled by anyone but the Lord Himself. If you handed me your control panel; take it back because I don't want it. I never requested it. But I still stand by the boundaries I laid down for me. If that is a problem I will discuss this with you later," was my calm response to this perfectionist overwhelming leader.

She went ballistic. I was smiling a strange smile that only God and I understood. My fellow writers jumped in to try to calm the strong leader who was accustomed to people coming to attention when she barked loudly enough. She was ranting about this and that, and I truly was unaffected except to be concerned for her goodwill. Finally a new writer just swept me up in her arms and physically loved on me.

My smile...

My calm...

My surprise in my own words....

were part of God's tutoring me on how to manage life. For all of my life I had danced to the rhythm of anyone around me that exercised the most control or need. My mom had many emotional problems and I sense I was encouraged by aunts and family to keep her "calm" and happy. Now, I see well meaning folks gave a little child the responsibility to keep her mother sane. Wow! That's a biggee.

Bit by bit I developed mechanisms to please folks; no matter what. In that mindset I lost me; and what truly mattered to me. The poor writer's club leader just happened to be the first "controller" to encounter Free Kay! I had come through work with a Christian mentor and weeks of time in Bible study on being a strong healthy balanced Christian woman. I'm sure I needed some fine tuning in delivery, but I didn't buckle under and I didn't resort to her tyrannical manner.

I'm sure I didn't handle responsibility in full balance up until this point. My mom had displayed a manipulative passive/aggressive manner throughout my life. Now, I was laying down boundaries in my life. I had prayed on my purpose, destiny and the priorities in my life that pleased God. That week I had laid some big ones down with my mom. She came totally unglued, but then in the end she got it. That began some of the best interaction we had had together. So, this encounter with the group leader was days after I had been clear with my mom.

The vivid image of taking my writing club leader's control panel was repulsive to me. The weeks of seeking God's best in my life as a mature woman had been painful. Daring to confront my mom on being upfront and straight forward in our interactions had been painful for her. The leader had no idea what was going on with Kay. She was accustomed to the "yes" girl. Whatever anyone wanted Kay would try to do. But now Kay was laying down some boundaries. The leader's need for ultimate control was challenged and she reacted with loud forceful orders.

She was right on the point that I was no longer in her control. From that standpoint I was controlling her agenda. She had been accustomed to counting on 100% unconditional submission from me. Now, I was laying out times, assignments, etc. that worked for me with the other responsibilities in my life.

If controllers are hurting your life be prepared for new pain if you come into God's plan for living free. If you have lived as a people pleaser more than a God pleaser; there is hard work ahead. But ....hear me; the payback is amazing. No one holds my life control panel but God and me!!! Don't you want to live free?

Tomorrow we will explore how anyone ever falls into the trap of becoming a controller. Remember our goal is to get free; utterly free. When you are free in Christ you can truly love and pray for the controllers.

Do you have a story of being controlled, controlling or being free from either case.

We were designed to worship something, and when we fail to worship God, we create gods (idols) to surrender ourselves to. E. Stanley Jones said, “If you don’t surrender to Christ, you surrender to chaos.” You’re free to choose what you surrender to, but you’re not free from the consequences of that choice: “So give yourselves completely to God” (James 4:7 NCV).

Having a Rough Time With Controllers?

Blogging thrills me when comments flood in on certain posts. I get it...ya'll are having some difficult time with controlling people in your life. I'm working on a series to begin Monday on ways I have learned to work effectively with "controllers" and how God has melted my heart on this one serious relationship issue.

Stay tuned....I offer my life tested wisdom. Keep reading the last post and know I love it when you fire back all fired up!!!

Psst....here is a visual hint for more to come in next week's series.

How Do You Love Controllers?

"Oh, no, Lord, even You don't expect me to love someone who tries to control people around them constantly. Oh, no....I can't. Ummm, You don't have a backup plan, eh? Well, Lord, I need some serious help as soon as possible," was my prayer conversation in my mind many years ago. Today I find myself counselling many who struggle with this issue.

The way the Lord helped me was to realize in myself that I can try to control my environment and people's dealings with me when I am fearful and/or shamed. The experts in behavior science agree with this truth. That one little nugget helped me love the most dogmatic or manipulative passive/aggressive controllers.

Where I can't find anything to love in a controller or manipulator; I have no strain feeling empathy for someone afraid or ashamed. I choose to look beyond the offensive front of a controller to see into their pain of fear or shame. Recently I spent time with a young woman who is having difficulty working with a passive aggressive complaining controlling older woman. The controller has come through abuse emotionally and physcially from an abusive spouse.

I'm convinced the emotional and physical abused women have scars that can have lasting fear of someone else hurting them. This painful unfair treatment is doubling damaging because it comes from the man they loved and chose for a lifetime partner. "When you look past her actions...when you listen past her words and attitudes....perhaps you can feel her pain, " I shared with this young woman.

As we left one another we came up with a plan that will give the controller many ways to "control" unimportant decisions while this young woman prays for their relationship. Hopefully God will bless them with trust and the controlling manner won't be needed for the hurting woman to work with this younger woman.

Do you have ways that help you work with the "controllers" in your life? When do you find yourself trying to control others around you?

Heroes Are Real People

I laughed and cried listening to Micca Campbell speak last year at She Speaks conference. Just beginning life as a widow she gave me hope for life I needed right then. Her humor gift and her communication skills were so excellent I felt like we two were the only ones in a room actually filled with hundreds of women. Yep, right that minute she became my heroine to emulate as I began this new walk as widow Kay.

A few days ago at this year's conference she was talking with one of my new friends. The friend, Carol Davis, pulled me over to introduce me to Micca. Carol is amazing (check her out on her daily radio show: http://www.wmit.org/programming/matt_in_the_morning.html.)

I tried to be cool and calm, but I couldn't. In typical Southern country unsophisticated style I began to ooh and ah. I told Micca I wrote up her story from the last conference on my blog. She looked a bit worried.......now that started me worrying. I had terrifying thoughts whirling through my head. Which lawyer should I call ... who won't mind me phoning them on Saturday? Oh, no ...I've messed up this time. I'm new at blogging and I began to think, "Oh, no my heroine is going to sue me for some lawyer-4-syllable-breach of something."

But...........drum roll, there is a happy ending to this saga. I sent Carol a link to the post I wrote on Micca. Just as I had assumed, Carol forwarded it to Micca. I felt like I needed to open up and let whatever was going to happen to get on with it. Here is that post and if you look at the comments my heroine, Micca, left a beautiful edifying comment. Whew! I'm thrilled she approved, but I'm relieved she didn't want to do something else.....ain't life wild in litiginous USA in 2009?

Here's a Micca!!!

Never Let 'Em See You Sweat!

My Aunt Eunice frequently told me my best self defense strategy was to keep my cool, no matter what. I think Aunt Eunice had read far too many mystery stories because she constantly had self defense on her mind in a quiet valley with only family within several miles in either direction.

But I did end up in some dangerous spots and no matter what, I could almost hear Aunt Eunice, "Girl, walk like you don't have a care in the world. Don't let them see your fear; keep your cool. Don't let them see you sweat." I'm navigationaly challenged and getting lost comes up often. Once I was having a ball in the Garment District of New York when I took a wrong turn into an alley that was terrifying and somehow I was no longer in the Garment District. But, I walked like I knew exactly where I was going and finally I circled back into the street I knew.

Today I'm paying tribute to Micca Campbell who is the queen of "Don't Let Them See You Sweat." She was a keynote speaker in the She Speaks Conference (http://proverbs31.gospelcom.net/) this past May. Enjoy her story and see if you agree that she is the "queen" since she kept coming back around these folks after this incident. Micca Campbell, was the conference's last keynote speaker. This beautiful young woman had me laughing minutes after taking the mike. Since I hope to develop humor here and in my presentations I listened intently to Micca's stories. As nutty as some of my most embarrassing moments have been, she’s topped me with this one:

Micca rushed to get to the hotel for the She Speaks conference several years ago. With no time to freshen up for a leadership preliminary meeting she threw her clothes on. When she entered the ground floor elevator alone she realized she had this tiny bit of time to straighten her clothes properly.

With the wood paneling surrounding her she faced the door, flung off her shoes, bent over, and threw her skirt up on her back. Now, she had time to get her twisted pantyhose on straight. She started working her stretchy clingy panty hose on properly from her toes up to her waist. She made sure everything was just right.

She sighed with some relief....Whew....oh no! Suddenly Micca realized the surrounding walls of the elevator were now glass. Those solid wooden walls she noticed on entering the elevator were permanent fixtures to the ground floor only. Once the elevator rose to the second floor the true glass walls were her only surrounding. She peered behind her to look into shocked diners' faces in the main dinning room below her. All those high paying diners got their meal and a show!!! Talk about a floor show.

Micca's re-enactment of her bending over and wrestling with her pantyhose cannot be described....it must be experienced. For several years Micca has returned to speak at She Speaks in the same hotel. Aunt Eunice would have applauded her checking into the hotel and the staff elbowing one another, "That's the elevator lady." She just walked right by and never gave into the temptation to try to explain any of the matter. Finally She Speaks changed meeting sites and Micca said checking in was so pleasant this year.

She may have become a legend: that elevator lady; but she knew how to handle it as a true Southern belle: Never let them see you sweat!

Micca is a treasure in the Kingdom of God that I am truly thanking God for today. Her website is http://www.miccacampbell.com/. Thank you, Micca, for your heart, your soul and your gift… and the laughs. You were the laughter Rx I needed.

Comments:

Pinkshoelady said...

Hi Kay,
I was there when she told that story. I laughed until my side hurt.
Are you going to She Speaks again?
If you are I'd like to meet you in person.

Thanks for all your encouragement and helpful advice.

I will be speaking on some of that advice in a post coming soon...hopefully this weekend.

Love to you
Pamela

October 17, 2008 4:29 AM

Micca said...

Dear Kay, It was a treat meeting you at She Speaks. I had to look you up. Before I could, Carol Davis sent me this link! I read your story about me and laughed out loud!

I hope you enjoyed She Speaks and will return again next year. You exude joy!

blessings,
Micca

August 3, 2009 1:03 PM

Just when I thought I'd heard it all my breath was taken away at dinner at She Speaks Conference. A beautiful woman seated near me was sharing how God had been her husband when her life fell apart. I've heard so many stories I was listening 2 chairs over, but I was so startled by her words, I was sitting straight up and hanging on every word.

This lovely woman in her mid thirties shared how several years ago she and her husband had completed foreign missionary seminary training, etc. They both felt called of God to serve in this remote foreign village in China. All was going well whento her shock her husband suddenly lost his faith and fell off the track. He renounced the Lord and forsake her and all he'd ever known.

I felt such a tug on my heart I was undone. The main thing she shared was the goodness and the nearness of God to her as she gathered up her belongings and made her way out of the mission field to return home without husband and no understanding of what to do next. Over and over she smiled that wondrous smile that only a saint can smile that knows close up and personal Jesus Christ Holy Spirit being her all when her world implodes.

She divorced her husband and he's still in China. She has married a wonderful loving Christian man, but she believes God will draw her ex husband out of this unholy lifestyle someday. He lives in China forsaking his family and faith. She was not resentful, bitter or wishing harm on him.

I'm being blessed wonderfully in this conference. But somehow I just don't see how anything to come will impress me as much as my time with this amazing God filled woman. When I see the glory of God manifest in a soul such as this one I am forever changed.

Thank God I am here at this Christian women's conference. Perhaps I'll return home a better speaker and writer. That would be nice, but oh, I return home a better believer. I have been blessed to hear a testimony that has enlarged my faith. God will never ...never....never forsake me. As He met this wife's needs; He will meet mine...no matter what!!!